Divorce sucks!

I got a call today from Riley's teacher.  She was calling to let me know that Riley has been in some trouble today and hasn't been acting like his usual self for the past week or two.  He went to the bathroom earlier today and was gone a while, so she went to check on him.  Apparently he was playing in the water and kicking bathroom doors.  Again later today, he went to the bathroom and she heard a loud noise, went to check on him.  She said he was standing there all alone and she asked if that was him and he said yes.  So today, he comes home with a sad face smiled in his homework log which means he wasn't behaving.

His teacher asked if there was anything going on at home to explain him acting out.  Well, James has been back from Afghanistan since the beginning of April.  BUT he hasn't spend a ton of time with the kids yet and it's wearing on them.  Four nights in a row this week he has been crying in bed that he misses his daddy.  It absolutely breaks my heart for him.  Last week he asked me when daddy and I were going to live together again.  So I had to explain (again) that we are getting divorced and that means we won't live together anymore. 

When I first found out he had cheated on me and he wanted a divorce he told me that it 'Wouldn't affect the kids that much since they are young'.  I told him he was wrong.  And this just proves it.  Obviously, the kids don't understand what all is going on.  Obviously, it is going to be hard on kids no matter what their age is at the time, but for young kids, they just don't understand it.  They don't know why mommy and daddy aren't together anymore.  They don't get that they aren't going to live together anymore.  They don't get that when they go on vacation, it is either with daddy or mommy, not both.  They don't understand why daddy can't come tuck them in at night because he isn't there.  Or why daddy isn't here this weekend when he said he would be.  The list goes on and on.  I hate this for my kids!  Military life is hard enough without adding this to it also.

Lily went  through a phase for about a month and a half of separation anxiety also.  She did not want to leave my side.  She has been going to her class in church on her own for two and a half years.  Then suddenly, she wanted me to take her.  Ok, no big deal....but then she would cry when I left or end up coming to my classroom crying that she wanted me.  When James came to pick her up to take her and Riley out to do something while he was here for the weekend, she told him she didn't want to spend time with him, that she wanted to spend time with me.  At preschool she would cry that she didn't want to go, she wanted to stay with me.  Then a couple weeks ago she asked me when I was going to give her a baby sister.  How do you even explain that to a four year old, that they won't have anymore siblings because their father left us?

Now, about me.  Everything about this situation just sucks, there is no other way to put it (well, maybe stinky-panted-ness as Sheila would say, lol).  I hate having to sit by helplessly watching my kids go through this.  Then they lash out at me because they are frustrated about the situation and don't know how to express it.  So I am on the receiving end of fits and tantrums because they miss their dad.  Which makes me want a break from my kids every once in a while.  Then when I finally do get a break once in a blue moon, I feel guilty about it.  Go figure!  Financially, everything is up in the air right now.  We are fine for now, but when my job ends at the end of this month, I don't know what we are going to do.  Jobs are scarce, so I would be lucky to find a minimum wage job.  But if that is all it pays, then I would work full time to put the kids in daycare and put gas in my car to get back and forth to work with no money left after that.  That's if I am lucky enough to be able to pay that stuff with the paycheck.  So working minimum wage is out, as it will not benefit us at all.  I have two jobs offers right now, but they don't start until the fall.  Those would be babysitting Eli again while Julie teaches, and watching Gavin and Brenna (that would start in October).  But in order to do that, I need to find a way to keep my apartment through the summer.  With stretching my savings (I mean REALLY stretching it) I might be able to make it.  Except for the fact that my car needs *probably* around $1,000 worth of work done to it right now.  Maybe.  It could be more.  So that blows my summer plan to keep my apartment.  Most likely we will be moving in with my mom for a year or so.  So that's what's going on here.  Keep my family in your prayers please!

Sun Stand Still- A Book that should be on your list of must reads!

This book will encourage a fresh hope and faith in you. It will also encourage you to live in expectation for God to do the impossible in your life but also through you. According to author Steven Furtick, "This book is not a Snuggie." And he's right. "Sun Stand Still" doesn't leave you with the warm fuzzy feeling of personal satisfaction. It leaves you with something far greater. Every page challenges you to believe God for the impossible and work our faith muscles. This is a book that powerfully delivers the message of faith that so many Christians are craving. If you're searching for something to kick start your faith, then this book could just be the tool God's going to use. And so, while you won't be left with a comfy, fuzzy feeling after reading "Sun Stand Still," you'll be left with a driving desire to pray "Sun Stand Still" prayers and leap into the middle of a move of God. You won't be able to sit back and pray passively or settle for mediocre faith.

Disclaimer:  I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review

Notice some changes around here

I am going to try to be more positive and less....well, bitchy and whiny on my blog.  If you are reading this blog, then you probably know that I am in the beginning stages of divorce, so it's going to be a trying time for me over the next few months.  Also, I need a new blog title!  If you have suggestions, feel free to let me know :)

My challenge of a perfect personalized Christmas card

Every year I say, this year I am going to do it!  I am going to make personalized Christmas cards to send  out to all my family and friends.  And each year I take 200 pictures of the kids together trying to get just ONE perfect shot.  And I fail.  At least, in my opinion I do...because one will be looking and smiling while the other is making an absurd face.  Or they cry.  Or sit on each other, or some other sibling type thing to do to each other.  So every year, my plans are foiled.  But this year, I truly plan to do it!  Even if a picture goes out that may embarrass the kids in a few years ;)  So, I plan to use Shutterfly.  I have used them to print pictures before, with great results!    They have 748 different designs just for Christmas!  Then you can choose other things to make it a smaller pool to choose from, such as flat or folded, how many picture, color, etc.  This might be our card this year :)  They have other events and holidays to make cards for also, such as Thanksgiving or perhaps Birth Announcements.  Looking at the birth announcements almost makes me sad that I will never need those again.....I said ALMOST people!  ;)  And don't forget the things that you could make as gifts!  Grandma and Grandpa would love a calendar for Christmas to look at their children and grandchildren all year long!  One year I ordered photo mugs for grandparents, aunt and uncles, etc- HUGE HIT!  So watch your mail box in the next month or two....you might just actually get a card that isn't stamped Hallmark on the back this year!

Updates

Riley just finished up Kindergarten!  His teacher had nothing but good things to say about him.  He LOVES school (even the homework!) and did really well.  I hope his love of school continues!  He tested out average in a few things but everything else was above average :)  There was a girl he said he played with at recess all the time, her name was Emilie....I teased him that she was his girlfriend and he would turn bright red, haha! He also loves to play football with Jon (who is 17) after church every Sunday, and of course he still loves video games.

Lily LOVED preschool!  She was so cute for her preschool presentation where they sang some songs.  She is so much more outgoing than Riley!  She will sit with just about anyone at church, but has a fascination with Andrew (who is 26 lol).  She says that Andrew is her boyfriend!  Although when she found out Andrew and Anna are going to have a boy she said that the baby will be her boyfriend, lol!  She is very....expressive, lol....she does the eye rolls with her hands on her hips and is bossy but at the same time she will bat her eyes and wink at you too ;)

And me?  Well, I am still here and making it.  I have my bad days and my good days.  And some awesome weekends with my friends in far away places ;)  Still trying to figure out where my life is going and what I am going to do.